Funny **** from LUE (Life, Universe, and Everything else board from Gamefaqs, among the greatest message board community that I've been to)
From: kperspon | Posted: 7/20/2005 12:29:31 AM | Message Detail
I had been browsing LUE, because I've been waiting for my psychologist call and update me as to what the oneirologist said. Anyways, after a while, I got really hungry. I got up, and went to make a sammich. While I was eating it, my dog came over to me, so I chucked him a piece of bologna. On my way back to the computer, I noticed that my brother had just gotten home from his date with Cheryl, his girlfriend. He looked pretty depressed, and didn't even say anything to me. I didn't think much of it, and I went back to the computer. After a while of browsing LUE, someone IMed me, and asked me if I heard what happened to my brother. It turned out that when out on the date, Cheryl admitted to my brother that she had been cheating on him. My brother just strarted swearing at her, and told her it was over. I assume that's about when he came home. Anyways, I decided that I should try to go and comfort him. He and Cheryl had been going out for 3 years, so it must've really hurt when he found out that he had been cheating on him.
I went upstairs, into his bedroom. His door was closed, but I knocked, and he didn't reply. I opened the door, but he wasn't there. I sat on his bed, and started to think about where he might have gone. I knew that he must've still been in the house, because I never heard the front door close or anything. All of a sudden, I heard a squirt, and then the covers on his bed started moving. Around then, I noticed that his room really stank. It was an almost inhuman smell. I was scared. Was there a zombie in my brothers bed? I quickly ripped off the covers, only to find my dog quivering in a pool of diarrhea.
"****," I thought. I knew he was allergic to bologna, why did I give it to him earlier? I stripped my brother’s bed, and started to take the covers downstairs to the laundry room. When I got to the laundry room, I put all the covers in the washing machine, and started it. The soap smelt so much better than the diarrhea. It was a bit foamy looking, though. I went back upstairs, to get my dog. I grabbed him, and took him outside. I hosed him down, and then dried him off. He still smelt bad, but hey, wet dog still smells better than diarrhea. Too bad I smelt bad. I guess some of the dog crap rubbed off on me when I picked him up earlier. I went back inside, and went into the bathroom. I stripped off all of my clothes, and jumped in the shower. It was a really hot shower. The mirrors and windows in the bathroom all started to fog up. As I was washing, I started to have a little too much fun “down there”. As I was finishing up, I heard a deep rumbling.
“Dammit!” The washing machine must’ve been unbalanced. I ran downstairs, still covered in a bit of foam, and just wearing a towel. I got to the washing machine just before it moved too far away from the wall. On my way back to the bathroom, I saw my brother.
”Nice abs,” he said. I don’t really have abs, there’s just a faint outline of them. Anyways, I told him I wanted to talk to him afterwards. I went back into the bathroom, and got dressed. I was still wet though, and my t-shirt was wet enough so that you could really see the outline of my upper body. I went to my brothers room, expecting to see him there. He wasn’t. I thought for a bit, then decided to go get changed. I’d just wait and see where my brother was. I walked upstairs, and went into my room. Instead of finding a new shirt like I had been looking for, I found my brother.
“It’s really hot in here,” he said.
”Sure is,” I replied, “It’s always hot in the afternoons. The sun shines right into that window.”
He motioned for me to move closer to him. We ended up both sitting on the bed.
“What was it you wanted to talk about?” he asked?
“I heard about Cheryl… I just wanted to know you can talk to me.”
“Oh, thanks. I really don’t have much to say. I hate that *****. That’s all. No problem here. I’m better off without her.”
“Okay… Well, you were going out with her for 3 years… Didn’t she matter to you?”
”Not really, no. I had just been using her the whole time. I used her for BJs. And occasional sex.”
”Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I didn’t like her at all, really. I’m just not into that kind of thing.”
”I don’t like girls…”
“Holy crap, you’re not straight…”
”Does that bother you?”
”No, I’m just a bit surprised. How come you never told anyone?”
“I don’t know, I just didn’t. I was too embarrassed, I guess.”
By now, he had moved over pretty close to me on the bed. I was feeling kind of strange.
“Aren’t you going to take off your shirt?” he asked, as he took off his, “It’s really hot.”
I took it off. It was pretty hot. He started to put his arm around me.
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” he said.
He rolled over, right onto me. Before I knew it, he unzipped my pants. The thought of his hands rubbing me sort of excited me. I was feeling open to new things, and I had been pretty sexually frustrated.
“Go for it,” I said, “Do whatever you want. I’m open to anything.”
He started moving his hands, but to my surprise, he ripped off his face.
“Grah! Grmeg egsli siggl!”
Oh noes! He was Cthulhu. His tentacles quickly ripped off my left arm and broke both of my feet. He ripped my hair right from my scalp, and took some of my skin, too. He quickly shredded my flesh and devoured my soul. I soon realized that incest is not always best. I never should have let myself go like that.
I’m now in the hospital, and I think I’m going to die soon. Help me LUE, help me…
Summary: Read it yourself you lazy bastards.